Thursday, February 26, 2009

letter to the editor

And then? And nothing! Look, at this: (points to *this*). Look, at that: (points at *that*). Therefore and logically p implies q. An arrow of implication? Why, in all my years serving tarts and muffins at the dockyards I have never seen such ludicrous misapplication of rope tying techniques employed to protect ducklings from wildebeests. Therefore and heretounder, be it resolved, that we, the oversigned, being of sound mind and untenably unsound body, do duly sign this writ, and deposit in a bottle, thrown either overboard or used to christen the boat, or perhaps even used as firelighters, for the purpose of being foursquare and prudent, for the nonprolonged fork prong, that we do commit our resources to the evanescent fulminations of out own Oedipauses, because dammit, McVerzlens, we have a palladium tonnage-engine and a bottle of the finest Munk and Yorky (vsop) to prepend our van valladges, our arrogances, our pirouettist, and our various skin diseases, because we wish to belabor our own confusions into this statement, which we have printed on parchment and submitted in triplicate to the editors of the Arplemont Clarion, because we believed our cause to be just, and the permitted avenues of redress were stultifyingly unsatisfying, and not knowing where to proceed or precess, we thus compiled our frothy frosted frustrations and exalted, exsanguinous, exasperations into this epistle and then, using what was ordinarily conventional xerox technology, trivided it (or triplicated), and then, using postal technology, fired it off. Whether or not our protest shall be registered or tossed in a dustbin remains to be seen.

pausing only for the pinna

Interruption. Prolongation. Discontinuance? Incontinuances? Blearily, one Forr Amhec wanders away from slumber, accidentally smearing the toothpaste on the mirror and the jam on the toothbrush. The radio alarm clock flickers to life. Forr puts the mouthwash in the cereal bowl after filling it with nutritive iron filings. "...and today Iris McMunney of Travvad Prefecture stated categorically that the University of New Avahthphathan would not be accepting a generous gift of thirty thousand iridium coated bananas from Lord Gyrus Grangshire, partly because the of the current banana and iridium surpluses, partly because of sigatoka, but mostly because nobody would have the foggiest idea of what the smeg to do with them. In further news, Barney Eilery of Cranague Point says..." and so on and so forth. In the distance Forr can hear a flock of bubblegum beetles, the sound of steamtrucks and traffic, the confusing array of early morning partisans and their tarmac gliders. Forr pauses to slurp down iron filings and mouthwash, then to brush his teeth, and wash his hair with mayonnaise.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

larango harvest

Irrigation of the larango fields beyond the Stivinert country will be accomplished in three stages: first, mobile metallic gantries will be deployed every five hundred and seventy one meters. Secondly, spores of the water synthesizing bacteria of the species Euterpenia lawrenceofarabiensis will be sprayed onto the entire surface of the gantries using a Hekhitaris Industries Mark J Heavy Duty Bacterial Sprayer. Thirdly (or should it be minus-onely) the gantries will be coated by a nutrient medium made from only the finest of charred paper epistles written by madfolk of the Gorge. Euterpenia lawrenceofarabiensis is so efficient at hydrosynthesis that it can make roughly seven million molecules of water from a single sodium atom if the wind is in a north westerly direction and it is between the hours of ten am and four pm. This highly complicated scheme was designed by T'Lallaceadh Vpkeaseaich, Director-General of Irrigation Operations, New Frankfoord Corporation, New Sunley-on-Vraivargdale, Pun, Divided Kingdom, Lesser Qritain. Mr. Vpkeaseaich is quoted as saying (by the Pun Clarion) “ It is with great sadness that we can't employ the Elephanteer Hydrosyntheticists to the larango fields in the boroughs, provinces, and polities beyond Stivinert Country, as those regions are beyond those specified in the Habitat Preservation Clauses for the Elephanteers, and thusly may be considered as containing potentially lethal trace metals and quasiorganics, therefore the Elephanteers (and therefore their excellent hydrosyntheticists) could not be the water-bearing party for the irrigation projects of the larango fields of these regions. We have consulted with Penvanar Auelhpfe and Zavvak Hrefmaga, the preeminent Elephanteer hydrosyntheticists to come up with an advanced irrigation strategy, and we believe that the use of metal gantries coated with hydrosynthetic bacteria has the best chance of providing those polities beyond Stivinert country with the best water supplies and therefore with the juiciest, tastiest larango harvest that their populations deserve.”

family afternoon

The irreputation of Silas Canvernon is listed in the ninety thousand forbidden types of catnip. For the expulsion of the Doors from Arapfilon did the singing bird dismiss the Ornithonium Chorus: what a waste, I'm sure they had years of birdsong to make. Bleyvang's family sat by the crocus fields eating hot-dogs and beefburgers. Garmanhale Bleyvang sat cross-legged in the mire, watching insects interact on the pavement. Blortissia Bleyvang was tossing a trimarang around lazily, its three wings barely deflected by the faint summer breezes. Their mother, Syneschenta, sat under a Flossuary tree, eating an ollalieberry sundae and reading the inscrutable works of Paracelsus. Further in the distance, Celementhrum Bleyvang lied to the sun about his taxes, the cosmetically irrelevant third liver he had installed last week, and his general disposition. He lay on the ground, blue-green metallic sunglasses reflecting the near ultraviolet. Lazily, he turned on his radio just in time to hear a news report stating that the Vice-Arbonist of Relkekvlar had been accosted by a quasi-sapient banana. Syneschenta finished her sundae and found a trash-receptacle fungus in which to deposit the wrapping. Garmanhale seemed to be distracted by a passing steamfruit truck. Blortissia's tissue-phone rang: it was Leicesteria Wherkansky: her application to join the Muttering Thinkers of Perendrup had been approved. In the further distance, an elephantine chance-ignoring beetroot god minded the citrus lemniscates. Celementhrum sneezed, opening a can of Vodweiler, and generally ignoring the flock of catmites flying above. Then it started raining The Despicable Purple Fluid, as a result of atmospheric Mathieu function contamination, and the Bleyvangs went indoors.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

irrigations aplenty

Four and twenty light words, staked in a rhye. A day past eight with five to go. Where did the Muttering bird come to roost. Askance an unasked question in pelargonide fury. Once, deus, twice, deux, thrice flew and then the many monkeyed tree of the everlast had its own excission point. Five four, five eight, how many times did I pause, did I revolve in anterograde motion, did I collect the precious essential oils of the tardigrade. Oh, lo, mayhaps a past prance gave me an unadorned reliance on vegetation and obstreperously mineral material. Clades of Ironmonger and Cheesemonger and Chessmonger delivered me a memory crystal in /tmp/brontosaurus. The source code I was haggling over was penned in Basque on the tanned hide of an Baluchitherium (or was it a Dvandvatherium?). Ask not what you can do for your Borough.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

arrugala virescens

No? Were you inquired? Were you forgotten? Did the many toned Besmirch ask you a question? How has the progression erred? Who was inside the icosahedron? Questions like these I do not have answers for.