Thursday, January 31, 2008

my genetic mockwurst leaves the cancer lasso stunned

The principled concurrency between the primary lemon and the secondary snodgrass module leaves much to be desired: namely the transparent application of the monstrous elephantine probability cormorant is not precise and leaves a gap of size one to the power of thirty seven pieces of potato fritters, a quantity that is neither appropriate for common consumption nor egregious enough to permit unilateral laminations of the afterthoughts of the storm ceiling and because of the ambiguous time in the green land one must precariously balance the derivations of the Master Calendar with the chances that one of the five types of souffle will be present at the wedding of F'Brad andU'Naniwa because the law is a precise document and one must follow its incomprehensible prescriptions all of the time, or so F'Brad's mother frequently says when prodded. I, being mad, prefer the deranged approach: a thing unlike itself is another thing like a Walrus or like a Dead Crystalline ocean made from vitrified, keratinized mustard. I believe that this method, when applied to the methylated dimers on the scone sea will result in firm and appropriate massages that will be available to all people

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Easter Eggs in North Canadian Computer Software Corporations Computer Software Products.

North Canadian Computer Software Corporation has released Boring Software Product 1.8.10b, Dull and Listless Software Product 2.10.3d this year. While it might seem that both of these software products are meaningless and stupid (and indeed in over ninety percent of the time, using them is just that), they do ship with some amusing easter eggs:

If you enable Dirigible Mode in BSP 1.8.10b, then press the control, shift, spacebar, F82 key, and the lowercase elephant key with your second nose while humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic, you will flip the magnetic polarity of East Dakota.

If you enable Secondary Cow Implosion mode in BSP 1.8.10b, wiggle your fifth ear, press the F33.1 key while simultaneously sneezing, you will change the color of Jupiter's Great Red Spot to bluish orange.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Some thoughts on Dr. Francklemoose

Dr. Francklemoose is insane. Last year he ordered 10^190 snails from the Norwegian Snailwerks, New Bedford, MA. This year he is planning on ordering the reciprocal of that quantitity, 1/10^190 snails. Dr. Francklemoose has exactly three nostrils, but can have anywhere from 3-2i to sqrt(8801) spleens at any given time. Dr. Francklemoose was born in the Century of the Beetle and died in the Century of the Incontinent Abstract Concept. Dr. Francklemoose believes that the solution to all problems is: "a furious application of crystalline mustard, Lie groups, faster than light episiotomies, and of course, cigars made from mouthwash.". Dr. Francklemoose does not believe in Ketchup, Belgium, antimatter, or eggs. Dr. Francklemoose was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Dr. Antwerp stages a protest

Discombobulated Press, New Veenchvirrow: Dr. Squeedgefurrow Antwerp staged a protest at the headquarters of Dystopia Pharmaceutics Incorporated. Dystopia Pharmaceutics just released a new anti-arcsine of seven medication to prevent rash and frightening attacks of the arcsine of seven in people. The medication is called Reedfleepster (omoxifulab hydrobromide). Dr. Antwerp contends that Reedfleepster causes (amongst other things): warts, nasal phalangeal pittocking, diurnal polychromia, and binaural modular functionosis. Dr. Antwerp also contends that Reedfleepster was tested on laboratory pronouns, and that such testing is not under FDA guidelines: any tests on laboratory pronouns are not applicable to humans, no matter how precise and clinical the testing protocol happens to be. Dystopia Pharmaceutics' Spokesdroid X22-4 said today "Reedfleepster is a best of breed medication, designed to cure all incidence of arcsine of seven in sentient life forms, and that Dystopia Pharmaceutics finds Dr. Antwerp's protest wrongheaded and stupid, and is suing to have his nostrils replaced by chloroplasts..." and so forth and so on. PETP (people for the ethical treatment of pronouns) whipped creamed bombed one of the labs that Dystopia Pharmaceutics uses to test their product.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

the reason my nostrils are slightly questionable

In the fifty odd years since the invention of the nostril, we have seen much in the way of the nostril pirate, the criminal element designed to interfere with the normal functioning of nostril based commerce. Because of the paradoxical nature of nostril based economy, it has been necessary to outsource nostril piracy to Norway.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

mathematics primer

circles divided by squares equal hawaii. brazil metadivided by tetrahedra is scotland. the infinite sum of an infinite number of monkeys is an equally infinite number of mistranslations of hamlet into Belgish (the language that Belgians speak). when ostrogoths are divided by visigoths, lemons result. two oranges and eight grapefruit equal five megabytes of memory. if two trits and seven quadrangles are subtracted from a dirigible, how many nickels are left over? if you divide a hexagon by a pentagon the result is brazil multiplied by spain divided by the square of japan. if you integrate, from zero to infinity, the molecule of glycine with dindia, the result is two pairs of pants, an angry goddess, and a plentitude of accidental hydroxylations conducted by the Marchmain of Hyderflunx, Sir Trangello Afforgue. If a square is subtracted from the number six, a hyperhedron with 2 gonglezillion faces results. If a circle is multiplied by eight, an octacircle results. Finally, if a homomorphism is split along the adjoint functor of wollancz, the Strimpy of Heegerale results.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

random news items from beyond the Vleenvlonx of Keptin Neutrino

Recently, Amarpizduon Metaphlentics introduced /The Dog/, a furry mammalian version of the calcium atom ready for use in domesticated pet scenarios. Amarpizduon Metaphlentics has produced /The Egg/, /Basil/, and more recently than anything mentioned so far: /The Mongeese/.
Their sister corporation, Phelenxarium Ambiltrunctrics has discovered new sheep deposits in Nafarplod, Xongling Furrows, and Blesterbiere Accidentum, and sheep mining is set to commence within six months in all three locations. The sheep market is spectacularly good these days, with production over fourfold of last decade's sheep mine output, and sheep futures are in good company these days. Westrell-Gallis-Wrunxvrenx Ventures Semilimited has announced the invention of the so-called /spoon/, designed to aid in liquid food consumption scenarios, and this on the heels of the so-called /fork/, designed to aid in solid food consumption scenarios. Ulhylex Phrontisnomics has come out with a new version of Ancient French Meaningless Philosophy, to compete with Nyhekpilon Phrontisnomics Ancient Belgian Meaningless Philosophy, version 87. Warvellen Systems Ambifederated has finally managed to dihydrogenate oxygen atoms and invent a kind of universal solvent, though they were denied the patent for idiocy reasons. The Marsberry Disease Initiative has invented at least four new designer diseases that cause hideously painful disfigurement and is prepared to market these diseases to males ages 18-35, and is looking to expand its market in Cabbage Fungus Rot and It's The Evil Red and Yellow Spots Again, Dear to Voonxvill, Yetterwort, Brayxberrow and Yendrew this quarter. /It's The Evil Red and Yellow Spots Again, Dear/ has been banned in Dindew, Pwerd, and Gollovry for inciting public insanity. Bretbant Industries has invented a quackless duck for use in ice-freezing operations and low gravity environments. Seegstill, Hollow, and Mutchybluggle is pioneering artificial nostrils for use in seedy bar environments.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

beginning the froth cycle once more (dysfunctional)

something like the fiftieth approximation of the scrying lemon makes the meatminister fret and worry: oh, woe is the dipsonian echo, oh moe is the larry that toms and toes. Make no mistake, artist and confuser, the message is that the communication is definitely garbled. Oh, why is the paradox so ebullient and filled with a chaos that is unlike any that has been approximated previously. The thin curls of vaporous efflugia make no man weep for the days of yore, when coffee was made from pronouns and protonaceous protein floatshakes were all the rage in upper lower North Allanagara. If such complicated and strange effluvia might be divided into their fundamental modes then no Lieutane like St. Georgies might have a method for finding out where the lost harmonic was left, where the dust storm of the monstrous alabaster was translocated.