Sri Maharaghava
Wisdom of Long Dead People
I am Sri Maharaghava, a venerable treasure trove of mystical knowledge of questionable value.
You are a seeker questioning for the Deeper Truths, the More Fundamental Meanings, the Hidden Messages when the Record is Played Backwards, and the Subliminable messages in the fabric of the cosmos. Today I will speak to you about the Wisdom of the Long Dead People, an ancient lore of such a highly esoteric nature that no one knows it at all. Not even myself, but that will not prevent me from teaching you the fundamental precepts of the Wisdom of the Long Dead People. The Long Dead People, are those who died aeons and epochs ago from a variety of shocking and astounding sexual and cardiovascular ailments and excesses. While they weren’t dying or being dead, they spent their time in philosophical contemplation and advanced spiritual meditation, achieving such exotic mental states such as superangst, hypernirvana, metaglee, and gingivitis. Because you are most likely concerned with transcendent states, you being a materialistic westerner who paid for this recording from your trust fund, I will skip superangst, metaglee, and gingivitis, and discuss hypernirvana with you. Hypernirvana is a state of mind only encountered in the deepest of meditative furries. Before the acolyte can enter hypernirvana, she or he must obtain certain prerequisite mental states (as listed on page 103 of the course manual). She or he must have already obtained samprajnata samadhi, asamprajnata samadhi, nirvikalpa samadhi, positive cash flow, nocturnal enuresis, spontaneous orgasm at the sight of burning rubber, premature balding, an allergy to movies with Christopher Walken in them, and a deep and abiding respect for the deliberate idiocy of the second to last chapter of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. Some of these prerequisites may be waived by permission of your guru (usually after sexual congress or monetary donation to said guru). Now, to brass tacks. In order to establish a state of hypernirvana, one must first form the Rhizome of Napoleon. It is necessary to extend one’s subtle body in twenty four spatial dimensions and two time dimensions. That is the first stage of the formation of the Rhizome of Napoleon. Then one must perform modular transformations upon that form until it is invariant under such transformations. That modular invariance implies that the aspirant has successfully shaped their subtle body into the Rhizome of Napoleon. “Rhizome” is Manitoban for “root”. The Rhizome of Napoleon allows one to tune one’s internal vibration to that of the Cosmic Hum. The formation of the Rhizome of Napoleon requires numerous physical gymnastics, which are easily performed by satisfying any sexual whims of your guru, or by long grueling nights standing upside down in a vat of catnip while listening to the 1812 Overture played backwards. It continually amazes me how many acolytes choose the second method over the first.
Once you have achieved the Rhizome of Napoleon, you must align it with the Griess Vertex. This can easily be done by going to your local Vicar and forcefully asking them for the latitude and longitude of the Griess Vertex. If they fail to provide you with the latitude and longitude of the Griess Vertex, you may spray paint “Vicar Wossname has sex with Polygons” on any convenient brick wall with full assurance that the authorities will apprehend you for violating the local antigraffiti statutes. If your Rhizome of Napoleon is particularly well developed and free from skin lesions, you may automatically and spontaneously align with the Griess Vertex. The next stage, and this in my exalted opinion is probably the most crucial, is to activate and energize your Max Quordlepleen chakra. The Max Quordlepleen chakra is located eighteen meters from your adrenal glands in the seventh dimensional superspace of which our ordinary three dimensional space is a eigensubspace. The Max Quordlepleen chakra is of fundamental rectitude and transgresses such obtuse concepts such as Portugal, Belgium, Crocodile Dundee, Christopher Lloyd, the Lerch Transcendant, and tulips. Do not forget the tulips! You must sit in a cubical room with a solid erbium floor while completely naked and uncomfortable, and say “I am a wascally wabbit” eighteen thousand, two hundred and forty six times. This will begin stirring an unction within you. You may feel surly and want to imitate a sequoia tree. Do not give into these temptations or you will be transfigured into a small marble statue with the legend “Lost In Space” written upon it. You will experience chills, sweating, nausea, the United States Postal Service, and the fear of wombats. If at this stage you are overcome with glee about the state of Nevada, you have failed as a mystic. Any stray thought of the state of Nevada means that you are unworthy of being a mystic, that all of the other people at the Eternal Mystics Club will spit at you and call you “thou nonmystical being of doubtable provenance”. My friend Rodpondal Wulgins thought of Nevada and spent the rest of his life as an investment banker for a moderately successful futures firm in Manhattan. More likely than not you won’t think of the state of Nevada. If you start seeing images of pentagons, then you have activated and energized your Max Quordlepleen chakra, and are ready to engage in the final key to Hypernirvana.
Duckling cultivation. That is right my friend. The careful purchase of duckling seeds from a mail order or internet company and the planting of these seeds will show to your guru that you have achieved the vaunted and oft inaccessible state of hypernirvana. It is likely that you will achieve this and become beloved by your friends and enemies. You will be reviled by cotton balls. Purple penguins will materialize and nuzzle themselves against your generative organs. A deep and abiding sense of peace will overcome you, as the Demon Wizworrongoa envelops you, because the whole process of Hypernirvana preparation in reality turns you into the only food source which keeps the Demo! Wizworrongoa alive in foul perpetuity. Despite my advise to many a young acolyte to not engage in the pursuit of hypernirvana, they fork over their monetary units, nuzzle themselves against my generative organs to achieve the Rhizome of Napoleon, avoid thinking about the state of Nevada, plant duckling seeds, and then are annihilated in the most egregiously disgusting way by Wizworrongoa, leaving nothing but their wills in which they have already given their entire fortunes to their guru. “Look” I say, but it does not a whit of good so I have to say it again “Look”, and by that time it is usually clear to me that both the first “look” and the second “look” were completely ineffective. These aspirants keep coming. Generation and generation of poor, deluded souls seeking enlightenment and self-knowledge, paying exorbitant amounts of money to be told about exoteric and esoteric spiritual and metaphysical practices. They say “Ashley, doesn’t Hypernirvana look so spectacular? I’ll put it on my MySpace page” or “Dammit, that career in bribery and corruption was so stupid of me. Why don’t I try a weird metaphysical philosophy that seems to include annihilation by some weird demon after a long and gruelling set of tasks?” But that is the Wisdom of the Long Dead People. They were devoured by cardiovascular and sexual ailments caused by being devoured by the Demon Wizworrongoa, so why don’t you, as you love following strange and incorrect practices by the logical fallacy Appeal to the Authority of Dead and Questionably Intelligent Practices Performed by Idiots and Fools.
Thank you for your time. I, Sri Maharaghava, wish you the best.
Wisdom of Long Dead People
I am Sri Maharaghava, a venerable treasure trove of mystical knowledge of questionable value.
You are a seeker questioning for the Deeper Truths, the More Fundamental Meanings, the Hidden Messages when the Record is Played Backwards, and the Subliminable messages in the fabric of the cosmos. Today I will speak to you about the Wisdom of the Long Dead People, an ancient lore of such a highly esoteric nature that no one knows it at all. Not even myself, but that will not prevent me from teaching you the fundamental precepts of the Wisdom of the Long Dead People. The Long Dead People, are those who died aeons and epochs ago from a variety of shocking and astounding sexual and cardiovascular ailments and excesses. While they weren’t dying or being dead, they spent their time in philosophical contemplation and advanced spiritual meditation, achieving such exotic mental states such as superangst, hypernirvana, metaglee, and gingivitis. Because you are most likely concerned with transcendent states, you being a materialistic westerner who paid for this recording from your trust fund, I will skip superangst, metaglee, and gingivitis, and discuss hypernirvana with you. Hypernirvana is a state of mind only encountered in the deepest of meditative furries. Before the acolyte can enter hypernirvana, she or he must obtain certain prerequisite mental states (as listed on page 103 of the course manual). She or he must have already obtained samprajnata samadhi, asamprajnata samadhi, nirvikalpa samadhi, positive cash flow, nocturnal enuresis, spontaneous orgasm at the sight of burning rubber, premature balding, an allergy to movies with Christopher Walken in them, and a deep and abiding respect for the deliberate idiocy of the second to last chapter of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. Some of these prerequisites may be waived by permission of your guru (usually after sexual congress or monetary donation to said guru). Now, to brass tacks. In order to establish a state of hypernirvana, one must first form the Rhizome of Napoleon. It is necessary to extend one’s subtle body in twenty four spatial dimensions and two time dimensions. That is the first stage of the formation of the Rhizome of Napoleon. Then one must perform modular transformations upon that form until it is invariant under such transformations. That modular invariance implies that the aspirant has successfully shaped their subtle body into the Rhizome of Napoleon. “Rhizome” is Manitoban for “root”. The Rhizome of Napoleon allows one to tune one’s internal vibration to that of the Cosmic Hum. The formation of the Rhizome of Napoleon requires numerous physical gymnastics, which are easily performed by satisfying any sexual whims of your guru, or by long grueling nights standing upside down in a vat of catnip while listening to the 1812 Overture played backwards. It continually amazes me how many acolytes choose the second method over the first.
Once you have achieved the Rhizome of Napoleon, you must align it with the Griess Vertex. This can easily be done by going to your local Vicar and forcefully asking them for the latitude and longitude of the Griess Vertex. If they fail to provide you with the latitude and longitude of the Griess Vertex, you may spray paint “Vicar Wossname has sex with Polygons” on any convenient brick wall with full assurance that the authorities will apprehend you for violating the local antigraffiti statutes. If your Rhizome of Napoleon is particularly well developed and free from skin lesions, you may automatically and spontaneously align with the Griess Vertex. The next stage, and this in my exalted opinion is probably the most crucial, is to activate and energize your Max Quordlepleen chakra. The Max Quordlepleen chakra is located eighteen meters from your adrenal glands in the seventh dimensional superspace of which our ordinary three dimensional space is a eigensubspace. The Max Quordlepleen chakra is of fundamental rectitude and transgresses such obtuse concepts such as Portugal, Belgium, Crocodile Dundee, Christopher Lloyd, the Lerch Transcendant, and tulips. Do not forget the tulips! You must sit in a cubical room with a solid erbium floor while completely naked and uncomfortable, and say “I am a wascally wabbit” eighteen thousand, two hundred and forty six times. This will begin stirring an unction within you. You may feel surly and want to imitate a sequoia tree. Do not give into these temptations or you will be transfigured into a small marble statue with the legend “Lost In Space” written upon it. You will experience chills, sweating, nausea, the United States Postal Service, and the fear of wombats. If at this stage you are overcome with glee about the state of Nevada, you have failed as a mystic. Any stray thought of the state of Nevada means that you are unworthy of being a mystic, that all of the other people at the Eternal Mystics Club will spit at you and call you “thou nonmystical being of doubtable provenance”. My friend Rodpondal Wulgins thought of Nevada and spent the rest of his life as an investment banker for a moderately successful futures firm in Manhattan. More likely than not you won’t think of the state of Nevada. If you start seeing images of pentagons, then you have activated and energized your Max Quordlepleen chakra, and are ready to engage in the final key to Hypernirvana.
Duckling cultivation. That is right my friend. The careful purchase of duckling seeds from a mail order or internet company and the planting of these seeds will show to your guru that you have achieved the vaunted and oft inaccessible state of hypernirvana. It is likely that you will achieve this and become beloved by your friends and enemies. You will be reviled by cotton balls. Purple penguins will materialize and nuzzle themselves against your generative organs. A deep and abiding sense of peace will overcome you, as the Demon Wizworrongoa envelops you, because the whole process of Hypernirvana preparation in reality turns you into the only food source which keeps the Demo! Wizworrongoa alive in foul perpetuity. Despite my advise to many a young acolyte to not engage in the pursuit of hypernirvana, they fork over their monetary units, nuzzle themselves against my generative organs to achieve the Rhizome of Napoleon, avoid thinking about the state of Nevada, plant duckling seeds, and then are annihilated in the most egregiously disgusting way by Wizworrongoa, leaving nothing but their wills in which they have already given their entire fortunes to their guru. “Look” I say, but it does not a whit of good so I have to say it again “Look”, and by that time it is usually clear to me that both the first “look” and the second “look” were completely ineffective. These aspirants keep coming. Generation and generation of poor, deluded souls seeking enlightenment and self-knowledge, paying exorbitant amounts of money to be told about exoteric and esoteric spiritual and metaphysical practices. They say “Ashley, doesn’t Hypernirvana look so spectacular? I’ll put it on my MySpace page” or “Dammit, that career in bribery and corruption was so stupid of me. Why don’t I try a weird metaphysical philosophy that seems to include annihilation by some weird demon after a long and gruelling set of tasks?” But that is the Wisdom of the Long Dead People. They were devoured by cardiovascular and sexual ailments caused by being devoured by the Demon Wizworrongoa, so why don’t you, as you love following strange and incorrect practices by the logical fallacy Appeal to the Authority of Dead and Questionably Intelligent Practices Performed by Idiots and Fools.
Thank you for your time. I, Sri Maharaghava, wish you the best.
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