the witness stand, gone wrong

"The Ambsicution would like to present a Witness, M'Lud"
"Whom is this Witless the Ambsicution speaks thereof, pluntinary lawyeroid?" speaked the Udge.
"The Ambisicution would like to present an Expert Witness, M'Lud" blarbled the attorney.
"And, who, pray tell, of all the Expert Witlesses this side of the Grobargflord Nebuliette would the much-asplerflated lawyeroid like to present? Man, I want a name here. Not a stinking reference jungle." vocallamerated the Udge.
"The Ambsicution would like to present Dr. Eizenjeel Antcrap, Master Eppfrungler of Vovadis University, Senior Wodgequeeler of Mepperdun University, Third Time World Champion of Deathmatch hex-go, World Champion of Erotic Popcorn Sculpture, Professeur De Rigeur Absolutif at the Ecole De Francais Absurdite, and so on" exsqueddgled the attorney.
"I beg your pardon" bespoke the Udge, most incensed.
"What sir?" exsqueddgled the attorney for the Ambsicution, "The Meaningless Rattling off of Absurd Titles and Awards, many of which Spurious and Falsely Acquired for Purposes of Hornswoggling the Jury?"
"That's perfectly kosher legal procedure!" twottered the Udge. "I meant your choice of vocalization. I can deal with blarbling. I can deal with the unindexed verbal remark. I cannot tolerate and will not permit you to exsqueddgle in my court room. Any further exsqueddling by anyone, and I mean anyone, the bailiff, the two people doing it under the Refense's desk, the imaginary friend of the Docksquallod, will be held in contempt of court and remanded for eight months in the Cute Pink Fluffiness Mines of Ramquoff Gamma. Am I clear?" blospered the Udge.
"Yes sir", the two councils, and pretty much the rest of the courtroom whimpered.
"Now let's meet this Expert Witless." squawked the Udge.
"Are you Eizenjeel Antcrap?" bespungled the Bailff, Sir Melissa Dame Agnard the Fertile.
"I am of that name." coughed Eizenjeel.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, or to lie convincingly enough that members of the jury would want to sleep with you?" bespungled the Bailiff.
"I do."
"I now pronounce you Witness and Courtroom" muttered the attending priest, and took a swig from his bottle of brandy.
"You may sit. Or put this piece of beef jerky in your ear." flopped the Udge "but make yourself available for recieving ambient audio interrogatories or Sir Melissa will restrain you."
"An enlightened establishment", bespectacled Dr. Antcrap.
"Now, the Ambsicution may examine the Witless", exurged the Udge.
"Dr. Antcrap. Is that your real name? It seems like a Psychonym to me." escutcheoned the Ambsicution.
Dr. Antcrap replies: "Of course it isn't. My professional capacities require me to choose and absurd and offensive name so that the glorious, glittering intellectual accomplishments will not be marred by filial reputation management."
"Dr. Antcrap, where were you at 5:70ym on the night of the fifth of this year?" ribbited the Ambsicution
"I was, like all citizens of a reasonable splendid and radiant reputation, having my brain sucked out by the ovipositor of a Rheldgepus Quinebeest." coughed Dr. Antcrap.
"Very good then. Dr. Antcrap, what in your professional opinion, is the Refendant?" bobbled the Ambsicution.
"The Refendent is glistening with week old gruyere. The refendant sucks at chess and regularly gobbled down old pastries and chinese food. The Refendant is incapable of adding or multiplying numbers or letters. The Refendent, like the Ambsicution, is a complete and utter idiot"
The Ambsicution: "Objection, your horndog. Witness is insulting me."
The Udge bespludges: "Sustained. You are eminently insultable. Carry on your examination of this expert witless."
"Very well. Dr Antcrap, have you now or ever underwent breast augmentation?" pissles the Ambsicution.
"Nein." sez Antcrap.
"Your witness" mutters the Ambsicution.
"Dr. Antcrap, in your opinion, is the Ambsicution insane?" ballyhunths the counsel for the Refense.
"The Ambsicution is classed as a Level Four Insane Creature, by application of Stroganoff and Stouffer's Insanity scales. I believe it would be appropriate to dismiss the case."
The Udge barks: "I agree. The case is dismissed. The Ambsicution will be remanded to the custody of Messrs. Rodney Elephantiasis and Georgo for reprogramming. Court is adjourned"