Oxymandias Arcsine's Expulsion from Eden.

Occasionally I am asked to write about my sources, and I have to admit, with difficulty, that the regions of the logosphere that I inhabit regularly, or at least set my feelers onto, are distant, entwined, twisty, and thewn with metallic sinews. Let me give you an example. There are two (roughly speaking) universes. One of them has the ability to change mathematics in the other in such a way that some rational point that seemed like it ought be a member of the z^5+c->z mandelbrot set wasn't. The scientists in one thought this would make an ideal method of sending signals to the other universe: once the other scientists in the other universe figured out that the appropriate reverse method involved complicated rhythm modulation for an ancient tribe's drum-ceremonies and how to send (fairly low bandwidth) signals in the reverse direction. The real kicker occurred when they realized that there weren't *two* universes involved, but one, and the laboratories in question were three miles from each other. That made everyone's eyes all squinty for a while as academia had been given a strange fruit to chew on, and nobody was really certain what to make of it for a while.

defining mechanical questions

I suppose, you just have to wonder what was going on... it's not been a nahambe since the Tea islands were abandoned, and perhaps longer than that: did the horologers and the chronotés have a divisive instruction set left over for the mystics once their rain-dance was completed? The sound of the drums certainly did leave an impression on the up and coming professors of certainty. The stamina required to sit through one of the lectures left most of the population feeling rather out of place: they had all of those symposia and convocation dialogues to rout through and perhaps find some degree of fiduciary or fiscal confidence in: the little opinions and the tachyon dressing made for a disaster unlike any of them had seen previously: a thunderstorm! An omen! A radish! An extract of lemonade: a citrus filament along which there are many fibrils and convalescing nudibranchs and clones of David Attenborough speaking with immense sagaciousness about the development of some misbegotten marine species or another. Boggles the imagination, yessirree it does leaving the peanut or tomato allergy that the subatomic particle might have had to the dust. What? what was I worrying about?

duxlorve whenglewhommer

Associated Frontangnale, New Brunswick, Mastopolongle: Ernest Statewine Meissnerfloyd today demonstrated the first nondiphthongous astrolabe at the Vice-Principal's Sundry Reception. The Astrolabe was then taken into state custody since it "vitally reflected the State Scientific Interests" and "therefore must be escorted to an undisclosed location twelve miles underground of Franzley, along with its creator." The public was informed that needless suburbane experiments would then procede.

of radiolemons

the confused charioteer had enough feldspar to coat an area three football fields in size, but that wasn't going to disambiguate the electrically charged lemon that he had stowed away in the small pouch: the lemon's oscillating ambiguity was increasing in intensity and volume and soon it would be fluctuating so rapidly and at such a magnitude there was a question in his mind about the survival of every species on the continent: should the lemon's fluctuating ambiguity exceed some critical parameter then everything would be volatilized into hydrocarbons, noble gases, and small scraps of paper containing bewilderingly foolish philosophical speculations in a variety of dead and more likely nonexistent languages. Most likely. Moreover the explosive (or is it implosive) delemonization would have consequences that could last millions of years: radiocitrotopes released into the water supply would have deleterious effects on many forms of life, even affecting their genetic material until the population of citrus-mutants reaches an all time gold-ribbon high of infinity.

the financial conditions of the rex-garg

The electromechanical Lord of Lissis-T'Nellepont, one singularly odd Gastrogrieg Rinelphron, has made it his life's purpose to invent a type of singing pastry, to wit, an Operatic Muffin, capable of belting out the high notes, a la alto, tenor, and a variety of other Italian classifications for singing pitch that were condemned in the Musical Inquisition of The Year of the Rotting Turnip. Because the financial stability of the entire land was at risk, it was eventually decided that all ten thousand of the precessionaries who demanded the putative singing pastry would be given compensatory damages in kind at the end of the fiscal year. I, of course, being one of the centennial collectors employed by the treasury to make sure that such plans are executed properly, had no say in the reprehensible, final, outcome: I had to make due with half a dram of Salgjarje extract every day, and living in a hut at the edge of the city with enough materials to make thin and reedy soups and teas: I had the other essential ingredients of life: a dry roof over my head, pens and ink, various peculiar and exotic texts concerning the religious significance of projective sheaf-moduli preserving abstract weight conserving complex functors in high meditative states: all in all a good life, but not wet enough: life was, and still is quite, quite dry. I suspect that life may get a whole less dessicated shortly.

alternate time measurement practices

I think the time here is measured in less than rational units -- the damn Ulstlings that run Marasoonga don't believe in either nahambes, nanoseconds, or kalpas. They think that Planck times were invented by Tarazanoff Eigenfrost as a way of believing in turnips. They are fond of the xoxongulus, the freemingkrept. the half-nossling, the ranfid-doornail, and the zoonch, and their clocks are marked as such. But what, pray tell, is a zoonch? They do not say, and when pressed for details of their timekeeping system, they wail something to the effect that "Bleemengasts do not accrue at the falling of the snowflake, neither the mass ministers nor the Lombard dinques make an arrestingly transparent declaration of freedom: do you demand that we measure ourselves so dully, in arcs and lines and other mismarinated insults to the Butterfly Queen! It is the deontic precipice that we must endure every time you deny us our heredity with your archaic and misguided (and, more to the point, wholly inaccurate measurements of time..." and so on until the listener's ears rot from the litanies and the castigations until they realize that there's no convincing a dude that believes that time is best measured by the seasonal fluctuation of the diffraction of neutrinos by the ears of mice!

oh, the magnificent toxin and the flying machines

Meditations on a french fry: the forbidden fruitbat makes the chiropracter an obscene offer,
and not to be underdone, then proves the Riemann hypothesis using only a ruler, a compass,
and some very peculiar projective modular ultrahyperbolic sheaf-moduli preserving
Grothendieck functors purchased from an incredibly strange person who lives at the edge of
the river: they were in a small pouch with accompanying directions: just add water. This the
mad mathematician did, and then with some fairly bizarre uses of a ruler and compass managed
to prove Riemann's hypothesis. This mad mathematician then went on to prove a number of
somewhat demented conjectures of Euler and Ramanujan, and then finally became distracted
by the color of the rainbow. Whilst being distracted, she then realized that the formal power
series for pants contained a voraciously confusing datatypes for coefficients. When she discovered
that she was impelled to become an average spelunker and to find an association of speleologists
to sate her caving fancy. This was unwise, though, because the local cave system had just been
contaminated with a strange and worrying toxin called "The tears of Arnold Palmer", which
changed one's mental capacity for the greater, by several millionfold, but had the peculiar and
worrying side effect that it also rendered one's mind incapable of comprehending the slightest
thing to do with any consonant, consequently anyone who was afflicted by this toxin became
unable to coherently and cogently relay any of their now-magnified mental capacity's startlingly
lucid insights about the state of the world in any form comprehensible to anyone else: they sound
like gibbering idiots, and the only known cure is a specially prepared italian-thai dish containing
over three hundred different varieties of cheese while singing a specially written basque ditty
at twice normal speed all while juggling seven eggs: the combined effect is to completely bewilder
the glial cells and consequently return the poison victim's intelligence to normal. You have to wonder,
though, why nobody believes that Spain is a trapezoid.

a bit of ephemera

Neelound Saint Fongealy-Hipparsisse's paper submitted to the International Conference of Incomprehensible Studies, viz.: "Le Neeebleauw Frothendieck de la Marchmanais Pleurissy et la Nyngloroook Vlindlebleeble" will be published in the Centennial Abroops de La Sneengleaux under the title "Improbable Techniques for the Deboraxification of Marchhares and other spatial constrictions not Porously Comprehended via the Nobliuski Transformation"

a dvorak moment in a neutrino sea, drumming the snowflake tine.

The minarets of He'Am are filled with innumerable and incomprehensible treasures, all of which defy the human capacity for rational evaporation and other more imprecise desires for explication: they are multicellular, musical doodads of somewhat murky character, all of which have scintillating, iridescent, coruscating, radiant, self-transforming components of a variety of material compositions and even more bizarre arrangements of chords, quavers, and semiquavers. The experiencer is left feeling as if they have seen beyond the surface of the universe, into the cosmic ocean of reason, maybe even into the mind of god. The sensation that one has just missed the scent of god is often experienced by those who witness the towering crevasses, the abundant silences, the strange people with their odd hats and even odder perfusion of beliefs who crowd around the minarets and offer the scantest of advice, the principal coffers of deliverance and perfusive wonder. But because their art is so beguiling, one often loses track of time. I have to say, though, I have to stay, it's just not worth missing. And after the whole thing is over, you just want to examine your fingernails.

abridged mensuration for the lemon monster: a retrospective

The mention of the Gregarious Kinetic Festival often leaves the tourists in a state of complete bewilderment: after all they've just travelled well over eighty megaparsecs to see a strange man in a billowing gaberdine with fluorescent galligaskins denounce the proton as blasphemous and heretical all while chewing on sleepy tea leaves and spiralling out of control in his chaotic and untranslatable monologue about other supposedly obscene elementary particles. For this man is the Pauper of Reason, a profession of which there are few practitioners: his job, which Prelveng State pays him handsomely for, is to spout the most nonsensical and incomprehensible garbage possible, for a number of what are very important but (or so I am told), enormously inscrutable reasons. The Festival also features a variety of other incomprehensible activities by what are otherwise seemingly normal entities, which keep the attention of easily entertained tourists handily

mathematics gone awry

Dr. Atelier-San-Gumbfrunt of the La Spirulina Institute of Numeroparanoia announced today that their advanced computoid machine had calculate the twenty seventh octillionth octillionth digit of 7 today. He reports that it's a two. Further experimentation by Dr. Atelier-San-Gumbfrunt will reveal the three hundred quadrillionth billionth millionth digit of 18, as well as the coefficients in the formal power series of the function y=x-3. Not to be underdone by scores of irrational numbers (like 2,4, 37, and sqrt(banana)), Dr. Atelier-San-Gumbfrunt intends to attack well-approximated rational numbers next, such as pi, sqrt(7), and e^67. He intends to use a clever calculator, a lighting wit, and some illegal algorithms which were absconded by him and his fellow professors at Institute.

my genetic mockwurst leaves the cancer lasso stunned

The principled concurrency between the primary lemon and the secondary snodgrass module leaves much to be desired: namely the transparent application of the monstrous elephantine probability cormorant is not precise and leaves a gap of size one to the power of thirty seven pieces of potato fritters, a quantity that is neither appropriate for common consumption nor egregious enough to permit unilateral laminations of the afterthoughts of the storm ceiling and because of the ambiguous time in the green land one must precariously balance the derivations of the Master Calendar with the chances that one of the five types of souffle will be present at the wedding of F'Brad andU'Naniwa because the law is a precise document and one must follow its incomprehensible prescriptions all of the time, or so F'Brad's mother frequently says when prodded. I, being mad, prefer the deranged approach: a thing unlike itself is another thing like a Walrus or like a Dead Crystalline ocean made from vitrified, keratinized mustard. I believe that this method, when applied to the methylated dimers on the scone sea will result in firm and appropriate massages that will be available to all people

Easter Eggs in North Canadian Computer Software Corporations Computer Software Products.

North Canadian Computer Software Corporation has released Boring Software Product 1.8.10b, Dull and Listless Software Product 2.10.3d this year. While it might seem that both of these software products are meaningless and stupid (and indeed in over ninety percent of the time, using them is just that), they do ship with some amusing easter eggs:

If you enable Dirigible Mode in BSP 1.8.10b, then press the control, shift, spacebar, F82 key, and the lowercase elephant key with your second nose while humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic, you will flip the magnetic polarity of East Dakota.

If you enable Secondary Cow Implosion mode in BSP 1.8.10b, wiggle your fifth ear, press the F33.1 key while simultaneously sneezing, you will change the color of Jupiter's Great Red Spot to bluish orange.

Some thoughts on Dr. Francklemoose

Dr. Francklemoose is insane. Last year he ordered 10^190 snails from the Norwegian Snailwerks, New Bedford, MA. This year he is planning on ordering the reciprocal of that quantitity, 1/10^190 snails. Dr. Francklemoose has exactly three nostrils, but can have anywhere from 3-2i to sqrt(8801) spleens at any given time. Dr. Francklemoose was born in the Century of the Beetle and died in the Century of the Incontinent Abstract Concept. Dr. Francklemoose believes that the solution to all problems is: "a furious application of crystalline mustard, Lie groups, faster than light episiotomies, and of course, cigars made from mouthwash.". Dr. Francklemoose does not believe in Ketchup, Belgium, antimatter, or eggs. Dr. Francklemoose was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Dr. Antwerp stages a protest

Discombobulated Press, New Veenchvirrow: Dr. Squeedgefurrow Antwerp staged a protest at the headquarters of Dystopia Pharmaceutics Incorporated. Dystopia Pharmaceutics just released a new anti-arcsine of seven medication to prevent rash and frightening attacks of the arcsine of seven in people. The medication is called Reedfleepster (omoxifulab hydrobromide). Dr. Antwerp contends that Reedfleepster causes (amongst other things): warts, nasal phalangeal pittocking, diurnal polychromia, and binaural modular functionosis. Dr. Antwerp also contends that Reedfleepster was tested on laboratory pronouns, and that such testing is not under FDA guidelines: any tests on laboratory pronouns are not applicable to humans, no matter how precise and clinical the testing protocol happens to be. Dystopia Pharmaceutics' Spokesdroid X22-4 said today "Reedfleepster is a best of breed medication, designed to cure all incidence of arcsine of seven in sentient life forms, and that Dystopia Pharmaceutics finds Dr. Antwerp's protest wrongheaded and stupid, and is suing to have his nostrils replaced by chloroplasts..." and so forth and so on. PETP (people for the ethical treatment of pronouns) whipped creamed bombed one of the labs that Dystopia Pharmaceutics uses to test their product.

the reason my nostrils are slightly questionable

In the fifty odd years since the invention of the nostril, we have seen much in the way of the nostril pirate, the criminal element designed to interfere with the normal functioning of nostril based commerce. Because of the paradoxical nature of nostril based economy, it has been necessary to outsource nostril piracy to Norway.

mathematics primer

circles divided by squares equal hawaii. brazil metadivided by tetrahedra is scotland. the infinite sum of an infinite number of monkeys is an equally infinite number of mistranslations of hamlet into Belgish (the language that Belgians speak). when ostrogoths are divided by visigoths, lemons result. two oranges and eight grapefruit equal five megabytes of memory. if two trits and seven quadrangles are subtracted from a dirigible, how many nickels are left over? if you divide a hexagon by a pentagon the result is brazil multiplied by spain divided by the square of japan. if you integrate, from zero to infinity, the molecule of glycine with dindia, the result is two pairs of pants, an angry goddess, and a plentitude of accidental hydroxylations conducted by the Marchmain of Hyderflunx, Sir Trangello Afforgue. If a square is subtracted from the number six, a hyperhedron with 2 gonglezillion faces results. If a circle is multiplied by eight, an octacircle results. Finally, if a homomorphism is split along the adjoint functor of wollancz, the Strimpy of Heegerale results.

random news items from beyond the Vleenvlonx of Keptin Neutrino

Recently, Amarpizduon Metaphlentics introduced /The Dog/, a furry mammalian version of the calcium atom ready for use in domesticated pet scenarios. Amarpizduon Metaphlentics has produced /The Egg/, /Basil/, and more recently than anything mentioned so far: /The Mongeese/.
Their sister corporation, Phelenxarium Ambiltrunctrics has discovered new sheep deposits in Nafarplod, Xongling Furrows, and Blesterbiere Accidentum, and sheep mining is set to commence within six months in all three locations. The sheep market is spectacularly good these days, with production over fourfold of last decade's sheep mine output, and sheep futures are in good company these days. Westrell-Gallis-Wrunxvrenx Ventures Semilimited has announced the invention of the so-called /spoon/, designed to aid in liquid food consumption scenarios, and this on the heels of the so-called /fork/, designed to aid in solid food consumption scenarios. Ulhylex Phrontisnomics has come out with a new version of Ancient French Meaningless Philosophy, to compete with Nyhekpilon Phrontisnomics Ancient Belgian Meaningless Philosophy, version 87. Warvellen Systems Ambifederated has finally managed to dihydrogenate oxygen atoms and invent a kind of universal solvent, though they were denied the patent for idiocy reasons. The Marsberry Disease Initiative has invented at least four new designer diseases that cause hideously painful disfigurement and is prepared to market these diseases to males ages 18-35, and is looking to expand its market in Cabbage Fungus Rot and It's The Evil Red and Yellow Spots Again, Dear to Voonxvill, Yetterwort, Brayxberrow and Yendrew this quarter. /It's The Evil Red and Yellow Spots Again, Dear/ has been banned in Dindew, Pwerd, and Gollovry for inciting public insanity. Bretbant Industries has invented a quackless duck for use in ice-freezing operations and low gravity environments. Seegstill, Hollow, and Mutchybluggle is pioneering artificial nostrils for use in seedy bar environments.

beginning the froth cycle once more (dysfunctional)

something like the fiftieth approximation of the scrying lemon makes the meatminister fret and worry: oh, woe is the dipsonian echo, oh moe is the larry that toms and toes. Make no mistake, artist and confuser, the message is that the communication is definitely garbled. Oh, why is the paradox so ebullient and filled with a chaos that is unlike any that has been approximated previously. The thin curls of vaporous efflugia make no man weep for the days of yore, when coffee was made from pronouns and protonaceous protein floatshakes were all the rage in upper lower North Allanagara. If such complicated and strange effluvia might be divided into their fundamental modes then no Lieutane like St. Georgies might have a method for finding out where the lost harmonic was left, where the dust storm of the monstrous alabaster was translocated.

wombatosis is an incomprehensibly stupid disease

Argyard Phleebleman's collection of books includes the following doozies: Biochemistry of Middle-Earth, A Compendium of Diseases only Belgians Get (which is illegal in Kyoto, for reasons that completely escape me), The Weird Noise of the Gibralter Ant-Parakeet, One Thousand and Seven Techniques for Lying about your Blood Type While Speaking German, Melizzy Wilxrab's Methods for Painting One's Body Blue with Crayons, Leenwoong Stonzelyammer's Memoir of Selectric Pants.